This post, I imagine, will touch on lots and lots of different topics. So, we’ll dive in and see where this takes (and leaves) us.

I recently resuscitated my Netflix subscription, and immediately dug into the documentary wing, devouring one on Laci Peterson and another on Ashley Madison. Laci Peterson (and her unborn child) was (were) murdered by her husband, Scott. Ashley Madison is a website where married people can find other married people with whom to share their infidelity. Both of these situations are significant to me, I am married to the Angel, and I also wrote a book on marriage (called Be Very Careful Who You Marry, that you can get on this very website;).

Scott, who appears to be without any form of actual human emotion, is in prison serving a life sentence, largely due to the testimony of his extramarital girlfriend, Amber. Ashley Madison was the victim of a hack that revealed its customers and a nearly endless well of fraud. (I know, it’s shocking that a company that exists to facilitate deception and betrayal would deceive and betray it’s users. Shocking.)

Many of the participants in both docs repeated the mantra, like the chorus in a pop song, “I don’t judge,” or some version of that particular command of Jesus. It’s always interesting when we choose to refer to the Scriptures. But Scott’s family doesn’t think we should judge Scott, Ashley Madison doesn’t think we should judge it/them or their clients. Is it judgment to think dishonesty is a bad thing? Is it judgment to abhor the act of killing your family? Is it judgment to notice the emotional destruction that comes from infidelity?

I wrote about Oppenheimer a few weeks ago – is it judgment to think that, even if we can blow up the whole world, maybe that’s not something we should do? And if we do, maybe that sort of thing is wrong? And while we’re there, is it judgment to believe in the notions of right and wrong?

I watched an episode of Ashley Madison with my son and we discussed it afterwards. Is it judgment to watch this wreckage and learn a lesson, so he doesn’t have to suffer in similar footsteps? Is it judgment to tell him not to cheat on or murder his wife?

All of these questions are somewhat facetious – I’m not honestly asking. The purpose is to expose the ridiculous nature of a culture that has misidentified ‘judgment’ and has turned it into some kind of catch-all rationalization for bad decisions. To call a bad decision a bad decision isn’t judgment, it never was and never will be. To learn from other’s mistakes requires that we categorize them as mistakes, and not simply different equal paths.

I understand judgment just fine, and that’s for a few reasons. I was born with empathy coming out of my ears, so it makes me uniquely qualified to see your perspective (or anyone else’s). However, if you get to live long enough, you see too much of the fallout of this kind of relational dynamite. And you can easily begin to get a little hardened by crying so much, so often. So, like quadriceps, you’ll have to train those muscles, so they don’t completely atrophy. These documentaries are the gym for me. I watch and my heart still breaks everytime. And I can see (sometimes from a great distance) why they may have made these particular decisions.

Inside the Ashley Madison story, there’s a couple who became internet famous as Christian marriage YouTubers. “This is how you have a healthy marriage…This is how you love God & each other…” Except he was not what he pretended to be. So.

To live an honest life of faith, or a human life, fully present and engaged with the world and those around us, it’s integral that we get comfortable with the dichotomy. He was a pretender, who was completely disrespectful to God, his wife, family, the women he cheated with, and himself. This is true. But he isn’t only that. He’s also a child of God, created in His image. And his story isn’t over. The thing about judgment is that it assumes it is over, etched in stone. He doesn’t have to continue to be disrespectful, he is not exiled, confined to that locked box forever. There is forgiveness. He can change.

Now maybe I don’t necessarily think he should get the privilege of returning to his beautiful wife, but that’s not judgment, that’s consequence. I don’t think someone needs to continue to be a punching bag in the service of a mis-defined non-judgmentalism. But my opinion doesn’t matter too much to these people I’ve never met. She thinks he should, and we can all pray he can/will change.

On this, Scott Peterson is in jail for the rest of his life for his actions, but maybe he isn’t that same person anymore. I don’t need him to be. In fact, I really really hope he’s not. I can hold both things. He did this and there are consequences, but while this is legal judgment, it’s certainly not mine to carry for eternity. Right & wrong are real (murdering your wife is wrong) AND have nothing at all to do with our status as human beings (Scott Peterson is a child of God, dearly loved, he’s a son, brother, friend).

I can see why people join cults or sign up and give their credit card information to sleazy websites or listen to Coldplay or CrossFit or go vegan or vote for either party. It doesn’t mean I will. It just means I can see why you might. (Ok, maybe I can’t see why you’d listen to Coldplay, but they’re the exception.) And when we choose to start there, and keep training those muscles, we can consciously choose our values and avoid the pitfalls that come with sleepwalking through closed-minded lives. And love somebody, love everybody, instead.