The site is asking me what word I’d excise from existence, and it’s actually a pretty fun, interesting question. It’s also one I couldn’t care less about, now.

You see, I finished the new Netflix documentary (called American Murder: Gabby Petito) on the murder of Gabby Petito and the suicide of her murderer/boyfriend Brian Laundrie. Apparently, there is “backlash” over something in it. It could be anything, really. I have found that wherever something exists, there is someone who is outraged about it. But that’s our culture, isn’t it? We get more attention (what used to be called “ratings” but is now “views”) with a higher volume – on our opinions, emotions, and voices. So we’re MAD, RAWRRRR!!!!!! Something feels a little askew when we’re angrier about the documentary than the deaths, but what do I know?

This couple – perfect on social media – began a YouTube “vanlife” vlog when they bought a tiny white van and hit the open road. He was abusive, I guess she thought that was ok, and then he killed her & left her body in the woods. He, then, drove home to his parents house, who promptly hired a lawyer and refused to talk to the police. They obstructed all investigations, while another’s child lay dead. The culture reached a fever pitch, as news of gabby’s disappearance blanketed all news outlets. She was young, pretty, and white, and if you don’t think that matters, I don’t know what to tell you. Anyway, under all of the guilt, stress, conscience, and publicity, Brian walked into the woods and shot himself, and his parents had to search for their own son with the same law enforcement team they so recently fought.

I also recently watched the new OJ Simpson documentary, where a domestic abuser eventually murdered his ex-wife. (We can now drop this “alleged” nonsense, can’t we?)

I don’t pretend to know what every abused person feels or why they stay, if they believe it’s ok, or that they deserve it, or if they don’t have any other options, or if the abuser lies to convince them it’s ok, they deserve it, or they don’t have other options. I know we have some pretty misguided understandings of what love is. OJ certainly didn’t love Nicole, and Brian Laundrie didn’t love Gabby Petito, no matter how many times he cried and told her he did.

I’ve been too close to too many of these violent, destructive relationships. I’ve cried more tears than you could possibly imagine. Well, maybe you can, you are, likely, well aware of my hyper-sensitivity and nature as, what is currently being labeled, an empath. I feel everything all at once. So, when I watch this sort of doc, it leaves me torn & exhausted. I see the parents eyes and know the toll this has exacted upon their fragile hearts. (We don’t see Brian’s parents, but they have lost their son, and even monsters hearts break with this kind of pain. – As I write that, we all know they’re not monsters, they’re myopic and selfish, but not monsters. They’re parents, and parents sometimes get things so wildly wrong, it’s impossible to know what they could have been thinking, don’t they?)

I finished coaching youth sports, and have had many hours of thought, many conversations on what I’ll do now. We all need to be in our communities, loving each other, or we begin to assume we are alone & unloved. This is an assumption we cannot allow. But what will I do? Who will I see? Where will I go?

And I’d like to go into the domestic violence field, to care for the battered while they hopefully can heal, learning different stories about worth & value. If I were Batman, this is where I’d give my time and attention – finding OJ’s, Brian’s, Gabby’s, and Nicole’s in time, working to end cycles with fresh words and forgiveness. However, the idea of a man in those spaces is mostly forbidden, probably for good reason. Just because I am trustworthy doesn’t mean everyone is.

I don’t know what my point is. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe this is a very good example of not having any idea what the revolution looks like, but knowing where it starts. We all know where it starts. With love. (Real love, agape love, not the hollow meaningless hi-jack & redefinition we’ve been sold) This looks different in every situation, but it has always been the answer. We go one at a time, changing the world in baby steps. It’s slow and maddening, but we didn’t create this mess in an afternoon, it’ll take time to reclaim our humanity. But it’ll be so worth it.