2 weeks ago, the Angel and I watched a movie called Life As We Know It, starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. It falls squarely in the often disrespectful and dismissive rom-com genre. To trash an entire genre is pretty unfair, some romantic comedies are solid, well written, and deep. This is not one of those. This is one that deserves to be dismissed. This is a great example of why rom-coms are not taken seriously. But it’s something else, maybe something that’s not entirely harmless.

But to get there, we have to talk about Josh Lucas. In the movie Sweet Home Alabama, Reese Witherspoon is engaged to marry McDreamy, but was previously, secretly married to Josh Lucas. She goes home to find him and secure the divorce papers to re-marry. The movie is mostly unremarkable, except for the fact that McDreamy is awesome. He’s full of class and grace, even when she leaves him at the altar, saying “So this is what this feels like,” loving her by letting her go. She leaves him to return to Josh Lucas, who is a not a nice person. His love for her is so great he treats her terribly.

In Life As We Know It, Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel are the best friends of the individuals in a married couple. When that couple is killed in an accident, the 2 leads have to assume the parenting of their baby. Duhamel is an overgrown boy, using and disposing of hordes of women (this is somehow played as charm), and is desperately trying to avoid the responsibility of fatherhood. Heigl is cold and focused, being chased by local pediatrician Josh Lucas, who is (in a nice reversal) a great dude. Like Reese, Heigl also chooses poorly, choosing the selfish boy who expresses his love through disrespect and being super nasty.

It seems to me that, for a woman, romance should be marked by a mean emotionally stunted child who “loves” so much they just can’t possibly be expected to be kind. Swoon!

My friends and I, in middle & high school

[Incidentally, the solar eclipse is happening RIGHT NOW, as I write this]

Anyway, my friends and I used to lament the fact that all of the girls seemed to not be able to get enough of the boys who treated them the worst, in direct correlation. And we, who did not act as if the girls were something we stepped in or only for meeting our physical teenage desires, were alone. As I got a little older, I realized that maybe this scientific theory was more anecdotal than scientific, and only felt like the horrible people always had dates while we watched Point Break on repeat together.

But what we can learn from Josh Lucas is that we were right. He is beautiful in both movies, the only difference is that he’s a heel in Sweet Home Alabama. The other difference, of course, is that he also gets the girl in Sweet Home Alabama. Holding doors and listening are a direct road to nowhere, while pouting and shouting down at your date like a jackass is the only way to mutually fulfilling relationships.

In the brilliant Nick Hornby novel High Fidelity, our hero wonders whether we liked the music we did because we were a certain way, or if we were a certain way because of the music we liked. Did the movies follow reality, or did they create it? Do women love jerks because they loved rom-coms first, or do they love jerks and the rom-coms that described their lives followed?

Life As We Know It was, honestly, pretty offensive, but maybe that’s just because I have been trying to love the sweet Angel through soft words and doing the dishes, telling her how much I appreciate her and proving it in my actions, believing she is someone to be valued and cherished, as we lean into her independence and great strength. Maybe this has been my problem, maybe she’s left crying herself to sleep, after we lay like spoons and I fall asleep always next to her, wishing I would drink too much and cheat just enough to assert my sharp-edged machismo. Maybe she has been dreaming I’d berate her with long strings of curse words, turn the table over and throw the plates of the dinner she made against the wall. Will she then run into my arms in the rain like in The Notebook??

My message to the Angel is that I guess I can try for her. But maybe it’s those last 2 words that show how predictable my failure is. Nothing is “for her” in these movies. Hm. Now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll watch a few more to find out how to do romance. Wish me luck.