I don’t know why we do the things we do. In the Bible, in one of the most relatable passages, Paul writes, “Why do I do the things I don’t want to do, and don’t do the things I want to do?”

It’s that way with me, too. I want to make great decisions, eat, say and do the right things. And yet I don’t. Why is that? And then, there is the maddening confusion and frustration as I watch others make the choices that will hurt them, and then they do this over and over again. I know full well that, as I write the words “others” and “they,” that “they” aren’t they at all, but me, and us.

Of course it’s confusing, how could I possibly understand another’s thought process when I often can’t understand my own?

I ask my boys why they do the things they do – I ask this for good, positive decisions as well as the ones that, umm, aren’t so good and positive – and they inevitably say, “I don’t know.” That’s probably what separates us, is a sign post on the journey to maturity, the self-awareness to know why. Maybe the decisions stay poor, or inconsistent, or irresponsible, but at least we know why.

A few days ago, the Angel and I had an argument over the day’s plans. I asked and felt she didn’t communicate and blah blah blah, same as every other argument. One of us didn’t communicate as well as we thought we did, or thought we had to, the other disagreed, and sentences get short and edgy. It’s the anatomy of a silly disagreement, and it’s over in seconds, as soon as we breathe and come back. So, I want the plans because I want to eat together (I value sharing meals, and I’m not too sorry about that) and know what, where, and when (I also value control, and I am sorry about that).

I wanted to be gracious and problem solve, but I acted more like a petulant child. But I know why I snapped at her, the good reasons why, and the bad. Adults know why. I know why I had the extra cookie: my wife baked them and they were awesome. I probably shouldn’t have had the extra one, I felt a little sick afterwards, but I do know why.

And it’s the why that allows, and encourages, us to change. Or not. If I choose to lay down my need to know and/or control (maybe they’re the same), then we can constructively address the meals and time shared without egos. That I would like to do. I know why I ate the extra cookie, and maybe the sick belly is worth it. As a matter of fact, it is.

I might have chosen abs over cookies when I was 18 or tomorrow, but today, I think I can lose 10 lbs AND eat the extra cookie, because I’d like to live a life where I can metaphorically eat an extra cookie, from time to time. Maybe that relationship is more important than waking up early to get to the gym. Maybe it isn’t, who knows? Maybe sobriety weighs more than the relationship. Maybe not. Maybe being in a current horrible relationship is heavier than leaving, the fear of leaving is greater than the pain of staying. It’s our own hierarchy of worth, and it doesn’t matter what our friends or neighbors or the gossip at work thinks about it.

The confusion and frustration may still be maddening (as I watch everyone, me included) make unhealthy choices, but if they are, indeed, conscious choices, then there isn’t much to say, is there? We decide, based on weight. After factoring our values, we ask, what weighs more to us? Not eating, or eating, that cookie? Needing to know/control, or kindness and understanding? Me or you? Now or later? All of these things matter, none is less, they’re just the worth we assign as the people we are now.

The only things that are unacceptable, in actuality, are to not know why, to not know the values, and to not use our internal scales. Once we can accept the ownership of our choices, we are free to change them if/when we want, as we change, as we transform into the kind of people who stay or leave, who stay up late or wake up early, or the kind of people who eats the extra cookie. Or doesn’t. We’re all different, and we’re vastly different from ourselves a month or a year or a decade ago. The things we valued then might not be the things we value today, we have to allow for growth in our lives. But we have to know ourselves enough to recognize what they are, to tell the difference between life and death.