Love With A Capital L

A journey towards living an inspired life of love in the modern world

Tag: growth

The Shoulds — June 30, 2026

The Shoulds

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I ran on a treadmill this morning. Well, not entirely. I walk, increasing the speed every minute, then every 9th and 10th minute, I run, increasing that speed every 30 seconds. It’s like this: minute 1: 3.7 mph, minute 2: 3.8 mph, and so on, then when I get to 8 minutes, the speed moves to 6.0 mph, then at 8:30: 6.5 mph, 9:00: 7.0 mph, 9:30 7.5 mph. I do this for 1 hour, every Tuesday and Thursday. (I lift weights Mon, Wed, & Fri.) If I were to tell you I like to run, I would be lying to you, and I do a lot of things here but lying to you is never one of them. While running is mostly horrible, it does have some psychological benefits and today, running led me into a nice train of thought that I may or may not agree with, yet.

There are 2 kinds of perfectionism. I run because I am seeking to become more and more of who I have been created to be, to show up to myself in ways I might not have in the past. Yesterday, I posted about not overreacting to disrespectful, demeaning comments. I often do. And I think rejecting the complacency of “oh well, nobody’s perfect, that’s just who I am,” is vital to our development and growth. I know the danger of the shoulds, but maybe I shouldn’t be raising my voice because I can’t control myself, right?

I want my wife to always have the best time, safe and fulfilling, in all situations and experiences, because she deserves it. If she doesn’t, maybe it’s not the worst thing to want to be better for her. I want to have a heart that is healthy to be here for the 3 who I live with, my sister, mom, my beloved church community, friends, neighbors, and the whole world, who might need what I have to bring, because they all deserve it. (Yes, that feels like the delusions of a narcissist, but I think it’s true, and I also think you can replace the “I” with “you,” the world desperately needs all of us to show up, just as we are.) If that means I run, that means I run. And if it means I run harder and harder each time, and feel some disappointment if I cut corners or blow the workout off because I don’t feeeeel like it, that is an altogether good thing.

Last Saturday, I was given the honor of officiating a wedding. This is not unusual, I get to do quite a lot. But what was unusual is that I had a moment where I stumbled over some words.

No big deal, right? Actually, yes it was a very big deal to me. You see, 2 or 5 or 15 years ago, this would have led me to acknowledge it, then and there, stopping the ceremony, apologizing, then lying awake night after night ruminating on the FACT that I had absolutely ruined their ceremony and probably their marriage. Everyone was worse for me being there, I had a responsibility and I failed. I was ill-suited for this line of work, who did I think I was, anyway? I was mistaken for believing I ever could have been good enough for something so beautiful. [This is a brief glimpse into the dysfunctional downward spiraling loops I have lived for so long.]

But Saturday, my tongue had somehow gotten itself in knots, and as someone who makes a living communicating clearly, this is not ideal. However, it was only a few short moments, I smiled, remembered to breathe, and moved forward. Maybe no one even really noticed, except for the Angel & I, and even if they did, they would have discovered that I am a person. It wasn’t a lack of professionalism or preparation. It was like tripping on a sidewalk crack, which doesn’t mean I can’t walk, or shouldn’t be walking. We just sometimes trip.

Old me was the perfectionist you imagine, unhealthy and psychologically violent. Anything less than perfect was an indictment on my value. It meant I was totally worthless, that the voices were right, I wasn’t enough and never would be. The searing noise in my head drowned out the obvious truth that those voices were lies. My identity isn’t tied at all to my production, no matter how good or bad it is. My worth isn’t found in a grade or a title or a paycheck or a status or relationship, it isn’t found in anything other than the reality of who (and far more importantly, Whose) I am.

It’s funny, I am never confused about that when it comes to you. I’m only so mean and unforgiving to me. Or maybe, I used to be…I slept like a baby Saturday night, peaceful and contented. I should prepare like I do, I should do everything as well as I possibly can, as if I’m working for God and not man. And I should give myself a break when I trip and fall. And I should definitely not listen to any voices whose shoulds might bring shame.

Maybe, in these contexts, growing is learning to tell the difference between the shoulds that kill and the shoulds that call up, that heal. And recognizing that the same word doesn’t always have the same meaning.

Kinds of People — December 1, 2025

Kinds of People

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In my line of work, I get the beautifully sacred opportunity to walk with many different people, in a vast sea of situations and experiences. At the same time, it is my favorite, and the worst, part of being human. I find myself wanting to help, giving time, energy, giving so much of myself to something in which I ultimately have zero control.

I have this theory, on how each of us approaches our own development/growth. (You should know, I love discussions like this: There are 2 kinds of people in the world, Beatles people and Stones people. Which one are you and why, what does that mean? Of course, it’s limited and overly simplistic, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t truth in it. So, as I go into this particular theory of mine, understand that this isn’t scientific in any way, unless you’d call the way I interpret my experience scientific…which, I suppose, you might. Who knows? Another thing: I believe growth is the natural inclination of everything, and anything that goes against this is uncomfortable because it’s fundamentally opposed to our creation.) Anyway, there are 4 kinds of people.

First, there are those who want to be coached. They like suggestion and direction. They want you to show them how to field a ground ball or hold a football. You can ask them to read a book or write in a journal or take 300 swings at a batting cage, and they will! This is the smallest group, of the first 3, by the way. They want to find a coach, and they are imminently teachable.

The second group is the largest, by a wide margin. These sojourners want to find the answer themselves. It is our business to create a safe space for them to ask and answer. They can brainstorm, try, rage, doubt, risk, be as wildly out there as they can, and they are able to wander. If you give them direction, maybe they will, but probably they won’t. They want to field a ground ball themselves. What they want is a padded room and the occasional guided question to explore themselves, to find themselves. They are motivated and will examine themselves, you are just there to allow their journey.

Next are those who DO NOT WANT TO GROW. I am here and here is where I’ll stay. If you give direction, like “read chapter 1 and we’ll talk about it,” they aren’t reading chapter 1. Let’s go field some ground balls… Nope. They say “I don’t know,” to nearly everything about themselves or their actions, and it’s true. They don’t, because it’s just too demanding to think about it. This often looks like regression, but it might only appear that way, because the world is moving forward, and THEY ARE NOT. Sometimes, they are aggressive in their complacency. Other times, they don’t care enough for aggression.

I said the 1st group was the smallest, and that’s mostly true. The fourth group is smaller, but since they’re monsters, they don’t count. Thankfully, there aren’t many of them. These people don’t want to grow, and they don’t want you to grow, either. They will sabotage and lie, anything they have to do to mislead you. This group exists in everything. They are dangerous and should be avoided until they are no longer so nasty and bent on everyone’s ruin.

Maybe there aren’t 4 kinds of people. Instead, there’s probably just one, and we move from group to group, depending on the circumstance and season. (Except the last, hopefully.) Sometimes, we’ll want a coach. Others, a space. And yet other times, we just want life and any sort of invitation or responsibility to LEAVE US ALONE. The only reason my silly theory is important is to know how to love each other on our separate paths, and contribute to each other’s discovery process without driving ourselves mad with frustration in the process.

Yes, this is just me writing. It feels different from the usual format these posts take, but it’s helpful to “talk through things out loud” to organize these thoughts, and figure out if they are really what you think and/or believe. This is my “safe space” to run.

Incidentally, as you can easily guess, I am a Beatles man, and it’s not close. I’m willing to listen to those who say The Rolling Stones aren’t ridiculously, hilariously overrated, but they’re wrong.

Wrong. — September 2, 2020

Wrong.

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When the Fight Club movie was released, Lisa Schwartzbaum (critic for Entertainment Weekly) gave it a D. In the current issue, she reflected on that grade and said she hasn’t reconsidered, that all reviews are confined to a certain time period and should stay that way. Like, for instance, we cannot consider ‘80’s comedies through a 2020 lens. There will be socially problematic characters, jokes, plot lines and countless else that just doesn’t hold up. It has to be viewed as part of a complicated amalgam of context.

I think Citizen Kane is grossly overrated. I know exactly what Rosebud is and wish I didn’t, wish I didn’t spend the time watching wondering what the big deal was. However, it must have been awesome once.

Anyway, maybe Lisa Schwartzbaum had a point then, though I cannot imagine what it was, and surely would change that review today with the benefit of hindsight and wisdom. Maybe she wouldn’t, either, maybe she’d just continue to be wrong.

The point is, we change. Society changes. Our perspective changes. This is a given, right? Of course. Could you picture how much you would dislike the 18 year-old you if you ran into you at a party? I would at least feel very sorry for that very opinionated, misguided, insecure kid. And then I would be equally grateful that I’m not that kid, that I was open enough to change my deeply held positions on almost everything.

I think we’re probably all that way, which makes it all the more perplexing why we’re all so violently defending our current dogmas as if we have arrived at the apex of our own evolution. Doesn’t wisdom carry with it a level of experience and, with it, humility that we might not know everything about everything? Doesn’t it require that we hold with a looser grip?

I’m not mad at Lisa Schwartzbaum. Everybody makes mistakes from time to time, and I totally understand her desire not to amend her review. Who we were is who we were, not who we are, unless we haven’t learned anything, unless we stayed stubbornly planted in the mindset of our youth, unless we haven’t grown, unless we haven’t changed. And I can’t think of anything more depressing than that.